Excuse me, are you stupid?

This is a video about the smartest guys in the world.
Oh, this is so good.
YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.

May: OMG

FAB family

Its been a long time since I last heard from them and its oh-so-exciting to hear from them after such a long silence.

I've been dying to see how little Stacie looks and stuff given that she's about to turn 1 in july. And from what I gather, they'd be making a trip here at this year's end. Ohh, so exciting!

So, the FAB trio's doing great! And I'm so pleased that they are.

And I miss them.
Even the little one I've never met.

there will be tyranny...

I can't wait!

differences

“I know there is strength in the differences between us.
I know there is comfort where we overlap.”
- Ani Difranco

no more technophobe

I would hardly call myself a Mac-vengalist though I do love the macs a great deal and I do tell people about the wonders of the Mac and stuff. Plus, I love the I'm-a-mac-I'm-a-Pc ads. Its hilarious. In fact, I have loved the Mac ads so far particualrly the one with the guy who sticks his tongue out at the old imac who "sticks" its CD holder out at him. Its clever as hell.

Now, not many of you might know this, but the reason why I switched to Macs years ago was because my Toshiba crashed on me so often it stopped being funny. The month before I started my honors year, I bought myself an ibook; which I should add is still in pretty good working condition and alive in my office till today. Its 5 years old and going strong. And I've sworn off the PCs; I feel like a retard when I have to use Windows and I avoid it as much as I can.

But today finally came when I had to cross over to the dark side. Sigh... It was an ordeal I don't particularly care to repeat.

You see, we needed to get a desktop for the office given the ones we have aren't doing so good so Rub and I braved the crowd and went down to Funan to pick up a desktop. We wanted it as basic, as stable, as- if I dare to say it- normal as possible. And so the nice computer guy patiently explained the computer specs and this and that and all the other computerspeak that went right over my head. The two of us just stood there and stared back at him as he blabbed on about pentium this, celeron that and windows XP this and Vista that, yahdah....yahdah... And after he went on for what I think was a long time, all we could say was... "Em, sorry, we're mac users. Just help us get a machine at $X amount with the basic-Y specs and the Z-stuff. And that's it."

And after we set it up in the office, I found myself looking at it- with a mix of disgust and disbelief- and going... "Oh my goodness... its ugly!"

oh please...

I've been very discontent these days.
And angry.

It just seems that far too many things are happening and my tiny brain and megre emotional capacity cannot keep up. And I don't feel it often but sometimes I really think I need to give it all up and stop being responsible, stop feeling the intense need to be sensible, reasonable and rational. To rant and rail. To kick and scream. To make those that have been an annoyance pay dearly for their stupidity, insensitivity and selfishness. Its always something, someone, some-whatever whatever. Its annoying. Its frustrating. Its totally destabilizing.

Maybe I should name names and get them off and chest and out in the open in one fell swoop. They people will know who they are and can be forewarned about them. After all, some of them wear some sweet demeanors and masks and cloak themselves with the mantle of pity and and threats. Its tempting. Really. Particularly since I've done nothing to warrant these people doing what they did. Yeah, where these people are concerned, Rie really has the high ground- in all sense of the word.

So stop pretending you care. Stop pretending the world owes you something. Stop expecting a simple "sorry" makes any sort of difference when the actions that accompany it are incongruous. Stop expecting me to suck-it-up-and-deal. Stop expecting me to be ok. Stop expecting me to allow time to do its alledged magic and heal wounds and all that crap.

I'm not ok and I won't be for a long while. Not given my hands are half tied, you're stone-walling and perpectually trying to skirmish out of this, that or other; with some fancy mancy excuse that stinks. Not since I cannot hunt down these pain-in-the-necks and skin them for the world to see.

I can almost hear my mother's chant to forgive and forget. I've never been very good with both. For some I have an obligation to work on them, for others, I don't even have to try.

Ps: Don't call/sms/write to ask if I'm ok. I'm not.

the grand sum total

Sigh.

the americans got something right

The American's got it right. We often hear the little modern adage and saying about banks and at on little plaques at point-of-sales counters: In God we trust, all others pay cash. Trust is a big word that we so often hear and throw about, sometimes so carelessly and flippantly, but yet, its a word most of us can hardly grasp. Its a deep word that has is so multi-layered we try and peel and discover but there are always still more layers. It is so multi-faceted we find minds spinning off tangents that it puts the great MC Escher to shame.

Trust. TRUST. Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust. trust.

Its a mind boggling word no matter how you look at it, how you write it.

I once knew a girl who used to get herself in trouble because she trusts so easily. Every guy, every friend, every occassion: she's somehow able to always trust in people. Always ready and willing to take their word at face value. Always willing to give the benefit of doubt and to the other person. To trust. To believe that promises made would be kept without question, to believe that people were innately good, kind and all the other soppy stuff that goes with the "you are trustworthy" turf. To her, Trust is simply given- up front with no strings attached.

Then there are the lot of us who come from the opposing camp. The "trust needs to be earned" camp. Maybe due to past experiences, previous occassions of personal betrayals and disappointments. We look for and read all the fine print and hidden agendas. We scrutinise and constantly weigh and measure the things, events, words and the people around us. Its a reflex, almost, an enduing battle scar from our past disappointments, our innate cynicism, our jadedness or, as my friend Pete says, our life experiences.

And all hell breaks loose when a carefully built up Trust is shattered. When a grave promise is renegaded upon. When someone we love takes our love, our faith and our Trust and throws it back in our faces. It knocks us off our feet. It winds us. It crushes us. It blows our mind. It leaves us angry, pained and lost. It makes us feel the wieght of our human-ness. It amplifies our inadequacies and magnifies our insecurities. It stuns the system and leaves us speechless. It sometimes even cripples us: physically, emotionally. And in its own way, it changes us. Forever, and then some.

And, it brings us to our knees.

And sometimes, that's exactly where we need to be.

photos: the uni gang

My uni life pretty much passed in a haze with me barely remembering the first three years of school. I think its because I didn't really have a class and was basically rather anti-social. All I recall of those three years were loads of time spent and wasted at the canteen with my JC classmates who pretty much all came to arts and socie with me.

Loads changed in my final and honours year: I finally had proper classes and claassmates and made some of the best friends in my life. I'm sure I could find the picture if I dug deep and hard enough, but one time Karyn and I bought face paint and painted everyone's faces and sat through our Elections class with stuff drawn all over our face, arms and bodies. How we actually got away with it- I scarce remember. They were the ones who panicked with me over thesis deadlines, essays and stacks of un-read notes (except Ms Wang who always seemed to be able to do everything. Then again, she's gone to John Hopkins and stuff and is widely considered the smartest friend I know.) Then came the Saturday French classes.... but lets not go there.

It was a fun time guys. Still is. Hugs.

clarity

" Some people hear their own inner voices
with great clearness
and they live by what they hear.
Such people become crazy,
or they become legends."
- One Stab, Legends of the falls

photos: agents

Those of you who know me, you'd know that I'm a huge Alias fan and my friends and I have secret agent code names for each other. Not everyone in the photo are agents but oh well, most of you are anyway.

To agent Skeletor: We are very pleased you have started the "journey".
To agent Vodka: You should come along for the ride, once you've come out of hibernation

What a child is meant to be

In my weakness I find
That Your strength knows no bounds.
And in my loneliness I find
That the everlasting arms surround me.
And even with this fragile heart
I find a place to rest here,
Safe where You are...
And I am falling into grace again
And I am running where mercy never ends
Lord I'm learning that Your love can cover me
You are teaching me-
What a child is meant to be
- Vineyard

photo: debaters

I know its been months since I got married and many of you have asked me about photos and such. I'm not really good with these things, in fact, its only recently that I got it all sorted out and printed though my very wonderful photographers were oh-so-prompt with passing them to me. I had the best photographers, really. If you're waiting to see the whole shebang of photos please know that its going to take a long while; its currently being circulated amongst relatives and stuff.

In any case, I've decided that if I were to attempt to print for each of you (you know who you are) it'd take forever. So, instead, I'm just going to periodically post them up here and send you and SMS/email about it so you can go see. I've considered using an online photo-hosting thing- its too much hassle.

So, first: my debaters. :)

disclaimer

Its a phrase we all hate, but its a phase we all love to throw around. Its the ultimate disclaimer, the big end Fuck-You, the sentence that seems to absolve us of all the "bad stuff" that happens. It says, "you know what my friend, all the shit that's happening now is on you with a capital YOU; because while I am part of this really messed up equation, I'm absolved of all sins because (wait for it, here it comes...) I told you so."

As kids we fall and our parents snidely say, "See, what did I say about running? Told you you'd fall right? See!" Its a Fuck-You-fault's-all-you phase. Loving at the heart of things, but still the same meaning. As teens we mess up, fail our exams, screw up parts of our lives and teachers, mentors and other authority figures glare at us and, usually with some grimace or snide tone of voice:" See, told you so. If only you studied harder, worked harder, played lesser, grew up..." Again, its a Fuck-You-fault's-all-you phase. Again, often said with the air of superiority and impatience. As adults we bungle and stumble and our bosses, colleagues and friends say, "Told you so. Told you that guy was a bastard. Told you that girl was a gold digger. Told you you should have taken that job/ left that job earlier. Told you... told you... told you..." Once again, its a Fuck-You-fault's-all-you phase. Only this time sometimes its partnered with a tad of gloating, loads more superiority and tons more rolling of eyes. Oh, and carts full of bitching behind your back.

In my life, I've had my fair share of people uttering that blasted phase at me. I'm sure I'm guilty of saying it to others to (and for that I'm sorry.... ) cos the fact is: it does nothing than make a bad situation worse. It does little more than allow the sayer to shirk some measure- no matter how small- of responsibility. It absolves the guilty and shifts the guilt/blame to the one who's actually suffering the most. Its the most unfair endgame- like an errant child throwing a tantrum and stomps off as he's losing and then declaring "I'm not playing this game- its stupid. You're all stupid." And that supposedly makes him look ok.

Its the ultimate disclaimer. Really.
For those that would not take responsibility.
How very convenient.

finally...

After going back and forth for I'm not sure how long, the two kiddies finally got together. Ok, they are not exactly kiddies but anyone who's not in their twenties and beyond are considered kiddies to me right now.)

E & C: good on ya!

sick

Its finally happened. I'm sick.
Don't quite get it: Was fine last night.
Woke up to a sandpaper throat.
A pounding headache.
Clammy skin and shivers.
Aches all over and a fever.
Doc says its a general infection.
Not flu, or anything normal like that.
No antibiotics to help.
Body just needs to heal by it self.
He suggested taking 2 weeks off.
I burst out laughing in his office.

my boys in silver

This Formula 1 season has been a new experience for me. For one, Michael Shumacher (otherwise known as Celine Dion) is not racing which makes me one little happy camper. People have always mistaken me to be an anti-ferrari fan and alllow me to set the record straight: I do like their cars, their seamless teamwork and impeccable racing strategy. I've loved their cars (F1 and the roadsters). Really. I just don't like Mr. Celine Dion. I mean, I give that he's a good driver but, that's as far as I'd go.

So, when this season began without Ms Dion, and with one of my favourites Kimi joining the Reds, its been a tough choice for me. Do I defect and support the ice-cool Finn whom's I've rooted for for the past few seasons? Or do I continue with the Silver Arrows whom I've loved since the time of the great Aryton Senna (I even named one of my dogs after him, another after Mansell and yet another Schikane- at the height of my F1 craze) though I'm not that huge an Alonso fan?

But over the last two races, I've tried to be neutral about things, to root for "the better driver" and stuff like that. You know, watch the race sitting on the fence and being "objective". Thing is, while I was truly happy Kimi took home the prize at the opening race, I still rued that Macs sat on second and third. I was "happy" but controlledly so. But this week, after willing the Macs to a one-two finish, with Kimi boy in third I was totally floored. While there was a part of me that would be ok if Kimi won this last Sepang race, truth is, you can't take away years of being a Mac fan.

I don't mind the boys in Red. But I still love my boys in Silver more.

dino matrix

I had dinner with an old friend the other day after what seems like too long a time. The last time we met up properly was eons ago sometime mid last year. Then, technically, we met up at my wedding- but you can hardly count that given all the halabaloo that ensued that day. But finally, after being- unforgivingly too busy (its always an excuse with us these days eh?) we finally did get to catch up over Avocado shakes and good old Indonesian curry.

And over the must-have catch ups on the "what's happening in your life now and at work, blah, blah, blah" we got talking about "The Matrix" and how many of us spend our lives emeshed in some matrix or other and its a comfortable place where we live by certain rules and guidelines and worship some over-inflatedl yet ephemeral sense of Self. Of believing we can play God. Believing in that that sounds good to us, regardless of how unreal, how false and how deluded it might be. Because, after all, we like hearing the good stuff, we like knowing that we can fix our problems and win all the accolades we might desire- if only we believed in it long enough, hard enough and if we have people around us that champion them for us along the way.

I like what he says about living in the Matrix. There're always going to be people wanting to live in the Matrix simply because the Matrix exists. And there are people who can only survive in the Matrix because taking the pill and living in Zion is simply too stark, too real, too difficult. And that's ok. For the rest who keeps questioning and probing, who are not afraid to take the road untravelled or less travelled, who know that sometimes the truth does hurt: its ok to sometimes want to go back to the Matrix. Just be proud you've stuck to your guns and learnt to see what's really there.

what's forever?

"Forever turned out to be too long."
- Susannah, Ledgend of the falls